Is Your Coping Mechanism Actually Hurting You?

What does pride, shame, and time have in common with broken relationships?

“My father and stepmother raised me. My mother left me when I was three or four, and I’ve never received a call from her—even though she’s alive.” 

Those words were shared by a korédé Stage member. 

It got me thinking and reflecting about pain, pride, and time. As time passes, I find that I get more ashamed of doing something I was supposed to do.

This is the question in today’s newsletter…

Are our coping mechanisms actually hurting us?

The nuance in my team member’s voice when they said, “...even though she’s alive,” caused me to pause and reflect.

…

In the early part of the pandemic, my father was stricken with Covid-19 and had many of the co-morbidities we had been warned led to unfavorable outcomes. Per the New York Times probability of death calculator, his likelihood of survival was less than 10%.

Some days after he was admitted into the hospital, my siblings and I flew home within hours of hearing of his worsened state. With fear and emotions running amok, family drama ensued. Soon, a rift developed that was memorialized with the infamous leaving of the group chat by multiple members of the family.

Months passed.

I found myself missing sending messages, sharing pictures and even having phone conversations. Yet, my pride kept me at bay, even though we had much to celebrate — my father’s favorable outcome. 

“Even though she’s alive,” kept ringing in my ears and reminded me that the hurt wasn’t worth the loss.

I messaged a sibling presumably still in the group chat to add me back and reinstate my admin status. I was here to stay and slay!

It’s been over a year since that reinstatement and this past week, I got to experience my 83-year-old father playing with my two-year-old daughter at a family event celebrating my brother’s growing family. It came full circle that pride is definitely not worth the loss.

It’s a reminder to act with courage even when we are bruised and to choose a reality that negates pride and its first cousin, shame.

Will I recognize if I’m nurturing a coping mechanism that’s actually impeding my progress?