Embrace Being Disliked
Know your task.
“You’re so brave!”
Sometimes it feels like certain words of praise are nice ways of saying, “ you’re insane, out of your mind, and in fact, making a life-ruining mistake.”
A friend of mine made the decision a few years ago to shift her ambition away from Head of School to a post as head of home. Her brave act to primarily raise her children in their formative years came with social, financial, and psychological costs. I watched her yo-yo with emotions of joy and agony in doing what she believed to be right. She experienced social isolation, some loss of identity, and doubts of the impact she was having, particularly when the fruit of her labor was not often ripe or sweet. When her former peers were posting their adventures for the ‘gram, she was dutifully teaching children how to read and potty properly. Her reality was #notforthegram.
I looked on with amazement the courage it took for my friend to persevere in her conviction of how to spend her life's fuel. My desire to be liked and take those girl trips that we post for our due in likes far outweighed my courage to do the same. The thought of an investment with an unknown return, maturing decades in the future, seemed too unwieldy.
Society is kind to the accomplished, not always to the ones becoming.
Ahead of the summer, I came to the realization that I could no longer juggle all the balls in my care. I turned down a job offer and later followed by reducing my work responsibilities indefinitely — I wanted to lean into the belief that mothering is a noble (yet challenging) service deserving of an upgrade from performative camaraderie…the gatherings on group chats and online forums commiserating about parents, and mothers in particular, existing in the same ocean of yuck while rowing our individual boats in evaporating waters. I, too, sought to be there more for my children, yet found myself hiding from the work that came with it and at times with shame from the people who provided me opportunities to row their boats. In my pursuit of conviction, I’d hedge courage with side hustles and avoid questioners asking, “what do you do, now?”
Society is kind to the accomplished, not always to the ones becoming.
I want to be liked.
Learning the separation of tasks from the book, The Courage to be Disliked began a shift in my mindset.
My Task: Be honest with who I am, what I know, why I’m doing what I am doing; have conviction.
Others’ task: Their reactions, likes, dislikes, approval, judgment, promotion, etc.
Not my task: Others’ task!
“Psychologist Emma Kenny told Cosmopolitan, “If you believe that other people’s opinions are facts, your esteem will be low, your confidence will be terrible and you’ll constantly seek approval" Bustle.com
Taking action without expectation of praise or care of criticism — that is to be courageous enough to be disliked — is to create in truth and not for applause. It is my task to do what I believe to be right, true and honest. Whether to love myself, my children, my spouse, my community, my work, my boundaries, or to not love the things that do not serve me — executing my life tasks will be determined by the level of courage I deploy.
Steve Jobs’ “Think Differently” campaign reminded us that the crazy ones who think they can change the world actually do. Theodore Roosevelt charged us to be “The Man in the Arena” for it is not the critics that count, but the ones who try and meet failure repeatedly. It is them, with conviction, who receive the credit. It is them, embracing being unliked, that the ages reward with remembrance.
Note to self: Do. Create. Live. Love! Courageously. Note to you: do the same and cop this water bottle designed by my team as a reminder while you hydrate.
Yes, you can!
Last week, I spoke with an accomplished lawyer who made a surprising career pivot by declining a job she’d already accepted. “I couldn’t sleep,” is what she said describing her state of mind the month leading to her start date. She found the courage to be authentic to her truth — she’d miss too much time with her five-year-old and three-year-old twins. In the short term, it may appear that she’s crazy. In the interim, she may experience the stressors that sparked the movement of mothers microdosing on psychedelics for mental relief. In the long term, the future will decide.
Nobility and mothering aren’t congruous; however, all of society is strengthened when mothers thrive. Whether we work in the home and juggle all the things, or outside the home striving for work/life balance, hold multiple jobs with side hustles or are well resourced to access help, when mothers win, nations win more. We have to wonder how we are thinking about the future when 8.5 out of 10 millennial mothers feel unsupported by society with many abandoning or delaying parenting altogether.
I close by sharing a recent conversation with my ten-year old son about pausing my corporate career in pursuit of mothering.
Him: so, we are going to run out of money? Me: By God's grace, No. We have to conserve…there is a global reces… Him: What are you going to do? Me: be more present with you, your sisters and your dad Him: awwwh, mama. What are you really gonna do? Me: I’m gonna mother you! and co-create third space communities to strengthen families, starting with moms. We are going to be fine. It takes a lot of fuel to a launch rocket ship; you and your three sisters are the rocket ships I’m most interested in launching. Him: (hugging my legs) Awwwh, mama thats not even cheesy at all.
Our task: support mothers; everyday, they launch rocket ships.
This is really good!